Friday, July 6, 2012

eensy weensy spider: a true story

Chapter One
Once upon a time, some kids and their cool mom built a rad fort and after some good movie-watching, they fell asleep inside it.  Life was good.  The fort was practice, you see - for camping.  Not the real kind of camping like one might partake of in the deep, deep woods, but the kind of camping that involves setting up a tent in one's own backyard and then sleeping in it.  Even that kind of luxury camping takes practice, you know.  Especially when Husband is out of town.  

Chapter Two
The following morning, the mom and her two children awoke to a beautiful day; the perfect day to pitch a tent in the backyard and camp out for the night.  I'm very sure if you could've only seen the mother's face, you would have gotten a sense right away just how excited she was for this adventure.  She drove her children to the storage unit, where one keeps favorite items to be used in a moments notice, and slid open the door.  Right away, the mom realized just how much crap her family had collected over the years and just what a pain it was going to be to move all that across the country {but that's another story}.  The happy children found the tent right away and went over to collect it, only to find that someone {or someTHING} else had beat them to it!

Chapter Three
"Look!  A spider!"
"I'm pretty sure it's a Black Widow!"
"How can you tell?"
"I can see the red on it.  See it?"
"It has a bulbous butt."
"I don't know what kind of spider that is."
"Oh, it's a Black Widow alright."
"Well, how bad do we want to sleep in the tent?"
"I'm not sleeping in that tent."
"Me neither."

Chapter Four
Those children and their mother couldn't get out of that scary storage unit fast enough {after the picture-taking, of course}.  Because probably millions of spiders had crawled inside the folded tent and were just waiting for some stupid human to decide she needed to go camping so that they could wait until the campers were sleeping and then nibble away on their flesh and give them red lines that lead from the bite mark all the way up to their heart and then DIE {of course the children helped with this fantasy}.  The boy, however scared of spiders, said, "Look I have guns." 

And the young girl said, "When I get home, I am taking a shower.  I feel like I have spiders crawling all over my body.  Nooooooo."

You're not still reading this story are you?  Listen, you need to get a life.  I'm sorry, but the fact that you are still sitting there reading this is just depressing.  Go.  Do something productive.  Eat a banana.  I don't care.  Just stop reading this nonsense.  It's for your own good.

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